Learning to Choose Yourself Without Feeling Selfish

For a lot of women, choosing ourselves does not come naturally.

We are taught to care, nurture, give, accommodate and keep everything running. We learn to notice what everyone else needs before we ever ask ourselves the same question.

What do I need?

That can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.

Sometimes even selfish.

But there is a difference between being selfish and having a self.

Choosing yourself does not mean abandoning the people you love. It does not mean becoming cold, uncaring or unavailable.

It means recognizing that your life matters too.

There comes a point when constantly putting yourself last begins to cost you something. You become tired, resentful, disconnected or simply unsure of who you are anymore.

You may still be functioning beautifully on the outside while quietly disappearing on the inside.

That is not wellness.

Real wellness includes learning to listen to yourself again.

Maybe choosing yourself looks like saying no without writing a paragraph explaining why.

Maybe it means resting before everything is finished.

Maybe it means spending money on something that brings you joy instead of always spending it on everyone else.

Maybe it means taking a class, going somewhere alone, protecting your peace, changing your surroundings or finally pursuing something you have wanted for years.

Sometimes Choosing Yourself Is Very Small

An hour with a book.

A walk.

Music playing while you cook.

Coffee alone.

Turning your phone off.

Going to bed early.

Other times, it is much bigger.

Leaving something that no longer feels healthy.

Changing careers.

Moving somewhere new.

Setting boundaries with people you love.

Deciding that the next chapter of your life is going to look different from the last one.

Those choices can bring guilt, especially when people are accustomed to having unlimited access to your time, energy and attention.

But guilt does not always mean you are doing something wrong.

Sometimes it simply means you are doing something unfamiliar.

Loving People Well Does Not Require Losing Yourself

I am learning that loving people well does not require losing myself in the process.

I can be a loving wife, mother, daughter, friend and caregiver while still being a woman with dreams, preferences, limits and a life of her own.

And perhaps that is one of the healthiest things we can teach the women who come after us.

Not that a good woman gives everything away.

But that a good woman knows she is worthy of care too.